Have your very own Ashley

My grandma's cancer is inoperable
I got in a minor car accident yesterday
almost my entire paycheck is going to the car
between insurance and repairs

I want to crawl into my bed and not wake up until Friday when I have to go to work. I'm not doing as well as my sarcasm and such make it appear. I'm concerned about my sudden lack of trust in a few people, for really no apparent reason. I haven't heard from Matt since the beach. I have the ridiculous urge to cut ties with everyone that I love, and disappear.

I'm overwhelmed.
I'll be better tomorrow maybe

Last night was fun as hell.

Matt, Steph, and I ended up at my house painting signs for a little while, and ended up getting bored, and deciding to go to the beach.On the way there, we rocked out and danced around and had fun in my car

Got to the beach, met up with Chris, ran into the ocean, swam around, splashed, chased each other, kissed a boy (Matt) and proceeded to generally harass each other. Thhheeenn we got bored.

So we went skinny dipping, as most of the people on the pier were gone by then, and the light on it was off.Matt decided it would be funny to walk out of the water without pants on, without realizing there were still people on the pier

Some people got cold, so we were looking for something to do, so we decided to go back to Chris' house, and sneak into his heated pool. Since his parent's are kind of nuts, and would have killed him if they knew, we all spent a good deal of time hidden behind this ridiculous inflatable walrus. (wtf) More flirting, kissing, and such came around, and then it was time to go home.

More rocking out in the car, was a fun time. I miss nights like that. Don't know what's up with Matt and I, but I don't think either of us mind much, which is nice. Probably just a summer thing, but you never know, we're talking about the girl that spent a good deal of time completely unsure as to whether Dan even liked her.

*shrug*

Good Weekend.
Lots of healing goodness, and a lot of laughing, smiling, etc. Things I haven't done in a while for such long periods of time. This weekend was full of faire goodness, work, and play.

I have some things to say, but I have a story time date with my love, and I don't want him sneaking in any spoilers by accident. ;)

I'm almost a quarter through my list of things I need to do. Some of you know of this list, some of you don't. I'm too lazy to explain, but if you'd like to know, ask me sometime.

It was a good day today
Felt confident for an entire day today, so far.
That's the first time that's happened in a while
Things are looking up

Party at Sammi's tonight with Steph, rehersal tomorrow morning, then work. One more day of work, pulling a double shift on Monday, and then I have tuesday off. WOOT. thought sign painting will be happening on my lawn that day, I don't mind.

I cleaned my room out, I have a bag of things that need to go elsewhere, and a letter I wrote. I'm doing to do this, and I'm doing to do this in a way that is both functional, and as fast as possible. I can't hold myself back from doing what needs to be done, because I deserve better.

After talking to some wonderful friends last night (i'm pretty sure they know who they are, and at least one of them reads this) I have decided to cut off all contact with him for at least a month. We've organized our phone bill so that we can each call for our halves, and won't have to contact each other for it. I'm telling him I'll contact him when I'm ready. If I get a single notice about the phone bill being late on his end, I am the main account holder, and I will drop his phone from the account.

We'll see how this goes. Hopefully well

On the upside, had a great Wednesday/Thursday with Dan, he's obnoxious amounts of wonderful, as usual. It's kind of overwhelming how infatuated I can be with him sometimes. Although the amount of shirts I can't wear until I'm healed is sort of funny, I enjoy the evidence of our days together, makes me smile, cause I'm a dork like that.

Went to the shelton fireworks last night, which is where I saw and talked to said friends. Danielle is home from North Carolina. Bitch is going back Tuesday, and I'm going to miss her like hell, but I'm probably going down sometime in August, when Faire is over, to visit her and get away from CT for a while (seriously, fuck this state)

Uhhh working a double today
parade and work tomorrow
Can't wait for Tuesday, it'll ahve been 9 days since I had a day off. (i'm pretty sure that's illegal in CT, but whatever. I'm poor, and this is making me less so)
Wheee!!

Uh oh.
And then Daddy.

But Uh-oh was a major one, and all I ever said for a really long time. This should have been an indicator.

My phone is being a fucktard, so if you need to get ahold of me, email me or something winkingfae89@yahoo.com I might have to get a new (replacement) phone, so I might be losing all my numbers?
However, the car is running now

My first time on the boat for the season today.
My cousins and I have been singing "I'm on a boat" all morning, cause we're special. *dir*
It's not that hot out or whatever, but fuck it, I'm going.
Work tonight
Date with gayhubby tonight

I realized today
That I don't think he ever loved me
I don't know if this is because of my recent "Fuck off" attitude, or reality. I haven't decided yet.

I know that at this point, it would be easier to sort of "shut off/shut down" but I refuse. I know so many people who are fucking themselves over by disallowing themselves to feel emotion, to give love, and relax enough to trust. Hell, I'm dating one of them. I know how much it sucks to be be both on the giving and the recieving end it, and I refuse.

I'm really a shitty person today.
lawl.

Dear Gods, I've been a complete bitch the last few days
Feel sort of bad about that
Especially since there's really only four/five people I really talk to on a regular basis.
But seriously, something needs to go right soon. In the past two weeks, pretty much everything has SUCKED. I don't know what I did to the universe, but it wants me dead.
Also, I'm getting absolutely pissed at my heart for finding it funny to attach itself to anything and everything that is outright bad for us.
My heart is an asshole

My car's motor blew.
My boss had to bring me to work today
I'm seriously dirt poor, won't have money until this Thursday, which is all going to bills. But somehow I'm supposed to pull money out of my ass to register and insure the old mini van to drive around until we either find me a new car, or a new motor for this one.

Seriously, Universe? WTF.
This his been a seriously fucked up two weeks.

The minivan runs, but her transmission is going. I'm going to spend the next however long it takes to get a new motor or new car not being able to go anywhere, I can't risk blowing the transmission on the van, because it's my only choice for getting to work.

I'm literally going to be home doing nothing by myself most of the time, because I can't go see people. Like, I'm not putting a single mile on that van that's not work. it sucks, like, hardcore, but I can't do it.

I don't know how I'm pulling this off

I spent 400$ to put downpayments on surgery, so that bills would be easier. But I can't afford another bill.

We might be able to find a new motor for the escort for a few hundred dollars. Fixing all the parts in it and rebuilding instead of finding a new motor would cost me upwards to 1500$.

FML
FML
FML

I stole the computer at work.
My back hurts like a mofo.
Coran's coming over tonight
we're going to watch anime and hang out.

My car's repairs didn't work, so now my uncle thinks it dropped a headgasket, which would suck, as it's really expensive to replace, and we might not have the proper metric tools to fix it. FML.

Guess I'm walking to work for the rest of the summer. There goes any hope of me having any social life. I'm praying we can do this on our own, help me out people! <3

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?


---------------------------
Do it. I'm bored, amuse me.
And, if you dont' want to repost it, but still want to hear my answers, ask me when you post and I'll do it straight from here. because I'm cool like that.

Uncle went out to get the Cam sensor for my car, we're hoping that's what it is. Cause she was backfiring and hitting on something violently last night, and hopefully the stupid pulley will stop hitting on the shaft because it's making a mess of my timing.

Court's entry has gotten me thinking about the ones I've lost, and Doug, Talsha, and Chris stick out like sore thumbs. RIP guys, I love you so much. I sort of laughed when Court was saying about the Nirvana songs, because I hate nirvana, but when they come on my radio, I can't bring myself to change the station, because Chris loved them so much.

Been writing a lot today, going to post some stuff on my writing journal, maybe. Been neglecting that. Been neglecting my writing.

I'm making a list of things I want to achieve for myself before I get back into a relationship, whether it be a new one, or if Pete gets things straightened out and wants it, the same one.

Going to try to carry it around with me, probably in my wallet

So, amazing night at Dan's, makes me feel good to be around him
Makes me feel human again.
Not so on edge, relaxed a bit, wasn't a giant cunt bitch(or at least I think?) that I have been since Thursday
I actually ate a little, was good, he's a good cook
But I haven't really been eating too much, lack of appetite and stuff, and Sarah had had some creation before I left I tried to stomach. Wish I had a better appetite though, good foods=yay
He's kind of hilarious when he's half asleep though, crawled back into bed and sat up next to me and dripped oatmeal on my head this morning by accident. Glad it hit my face and not my hair, ew. Silly man. Had to leave mad early to get to the beach and he had to go to work but it's all good, I was just glad to see him.

Drama with my Mom's fam at like fucking 3am. assholes. *grumbles* Almost drove my ass back to CT (3 hours) to take care of shit because I'm apparently the only person on that side of the family that can handle their shit. Eff. My uncle fell and his fam brought him home even though the hosp wanted to keep him for observation and he needed someone to stay up w/him because he had a concussion and stuff and I said I could if it was an emergency and it ended up that his own damn grandkids wouldn't even come even though they don't go to school and don't work and do nothing and they asked me and said no one would so I felt bad, but then I got outside and I was ripping pissed and then realized my headlight is still out and I couldn't see shit and I don't need a ticket so I argued with them and UGH. Phone's going off next time I go see him. The only reason I didn't have it off was b/c Kate and A are both going through stuff and I wanted to be able to support them if they needed it

Beach with my girls today, was awesome but then...

My car's broken now. I'm pretty sure it was the timing belt, which is like a 30$ part, but it takes like 4 hours to do because you have to take apart like the entire engine block to get to the damned thing, and now I should probably do the water pump while we're down there. Effing car.
FML.

Working on focusing on the good though. Even with the oatmeal spillage

Dear Gods, I'm agressive today.
Trying my hardest to get to Dan's today, though it doesn't look to be happening, because honestly, if I'm not around someone/something that reminds me thatI do in fact have the ability to love soon, I might kill something.
I haven't had enough time alone the last few days, going to spend all morning and afternoon Thursday alone besides an appointment I need to make, unless I don't go to Dan's tonight, in which case I might do it tonight.

My temper is really starting to flare, and I really don't like it. I feel like a bitch all the time, and I really don't want to be around or talk to ANYONE other than like 3 people, so I don't.

Saw the oral surgeon today, said I'm healing well
Stitches should dissolve in 4-6 weeks, which is a relief, because I hate them like whoa.

Might list some books and stuff on ebay or amazon, because I have a million and some of them need to go, plus the extra money would help make up for my serious lack of money right now.

I'm stressed, and a brat, and I want to curl up and cuddle, damnit!

ROAR.

That is all.

My car is officially padiddle for a while now.
If you don't know what padiddle is, I suggest you google it, or go on a car ride with me, and we'll play.
It involves naked, like a lot of other things I like to do in moving vehichles... >>;

I've never replaced a headlight before, but I asked my Uncle to wait until I'm around to replace mine, so I can learn.
Want to know as much car stuffs as possible and make myself useful
Plus, my Uncle really enjoys showing everyone what he knows
and I haven't spent time with him in a while

My little girls did a wonderful job at their dance recital last night, I'm so proud of them
Last night we crammed Me, Kimmie, Mary, Carliana, Marissa, Sammie, and Sarah all into my room and the guest room. There were kids EVERYWHERE. And we all stayed up until 3 a.m giggling and throwing things at each other. I love my little girls. &hearts; They're all out on the boat today and I was invited but I have work, and plus, it's probably good for me to have some time alone right now, as I haven't had any in a while.
Laid out in the sun today for a little bit. Maybe now I won't be as pasty?
Might go to the beach tonight and go swimming. It's probably going to be cold, but the water calms me so it'll be something.

I really don't think I could ask for a better partner than Dan, he's been so supportive and he has this way about him that just calms me. I was supposed to go see him tonight but we figured that it would be better another time or something because of work schedules. I really just want to curl up next to him and bury my head in his chest. Things are still up in the air right now, as far as I know, about whether or not he's leaving, but right now I'm just happy to have him in my life, and I hope that at some point I can give back some of the endless amounts of support he's given me.

Originally had a date with Arkadiy tonight, but we've talked about it, and he's said that he's more than okay with me not going, and that he wants me to take time for myself, and he'd like to be my friend while I do so, but I don't have to be. Kind of glad about that, because I really wasn't feeling up for it.

Tomorrow going to run some errands and go to work, and then Kate and I are going to have a sleepover at her Apartment.
Going to the beach with Melissa on Tuesday night maybe, depending on work for her.
Trying to keep distracted
trying to take a few steps back
trying to take care of myself

I burned my tongue on hot cocoa this morning
The stiches in my mouth are finally dissolving.
I am not doing nearly as well as I lead you to believe
I'm going to see him tonight, for the recital, and it's going to absolutely crush me to not be able to hold his hand
The amount of owls we have displayed at work really creeps me out.
I'm afraid that you only want me because I'm good to you, and we have great sex.
I'm sick of always questioning everyone's motives with me
I haven't been turned on in three days. That's like.. a record for me.
I'm rambling now, and I'm pretty sure I've angered some people
But quite honestly, I dont' give a fuck.
I probably will later, but right now, not so much.